a text from Chris Killbourn

"I know that most men fall for this "I'm beautiful and I get my way" part of your personality.. But I know something that none of them know... That there's another side of you. A side that NONE of them get to see. You may act tough, but youre extremely sensitive on the inside. If someone makes a negative comment to you, you may act like it doesn't bother you... But you'll think about it all the way home. I know that you're secretly very sensitive... It's just that most people never get to meet that part of you."

How does he think he knows me?
The worst part is knowing that what he says is true.
And if I pretend it's not true, ill be doing what he says I do.
I've been thinking about it for hours.
What does he mean? Why does he think it's okay to tell me this? Why does he thinks he knows me SO well? Does he really think that I get guys with my "I'm beautiful and I get my way" kind of mentality? DO I come accross like that? Is that all anyone sees from me? Do I even have a sensitive side? Is what he says actually true? Do I really care what people say or do I just blow it off? Now I'm even questioning my own sensitivity. I really don't give a fucking shit when people say shit about me. I really don't. Now, is that statement true, or another lie I tell myself? I really don't know myself that well. All this is coming so fast. This is stupid that fucking Chris fucking Killbourn is forcing me to question myself. I've been putting of a self evaluation for so long because I know I'm not going to like it. I'm a liar. To myself. I make people lie to me so I don't get my feelings hurt. I make Jeze lie to me about Taylor. I make her tell me that Sabrinas car is broken down and all he is doing is giving her a ride to Alexis' house and nothing more because I can't handle the truth. I want to never hear about my friends doing bad shit or talking shit on me because I don't want to hear the truth. I want two faced friends, not enemies. Is that sick? I think it is. I don't want to hear the truth because it will hurt my feelings. Or will it, since I'm so tough and don't give a shit? It gets to me. It always gets to me.

That was me talking to myself. Anyone brave enough to get through all of that and still know what's going on, I congradulate you.

I was reading postsecret this morning and I found this secret and I stared at it for a good 5 minutes and realized that out of all the secrets I've read, I think this is the closest one to me.



And all I could think about is that Taylor was the only ONLY person that figured me out. And that always pissed me off that he knew me, but I didn't know me. It always threw me into jealous fits when he would say, "I knew you'd do that. I think I know you better than you know you." I fucking want that. I NEED TO KNOW ME MORE THAN ANYONE KNOWS ME, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. And I'm mad that Chris knows that about me. True or not, he shouldn't know that about me. No one should but me. Even if I didn't know it, no one should know. But now everyone is going to know. Everyone that reads this blog at least.
I'm so twisted up inside. But what's teen angst, right?

Speaking of teen angst, I'm listening to From First to Last, "Note to Self".
Such a good song. I just showed Samantha Holman postsecret. I love introducing such a lifechanging website to people. (:

I'm trying to think of things going on right now.
OH, vegas in 3 days (: it's gonna be F U N. Totes.
"I feel so close and yet I am so far"
I'm getting my brazillian tomorrow (yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss) OH OH OH OH OH OH OH my most recent accomplishment: Davis taught me how to drive a stick shift in his little cabrio. (: It's so cute. With the top down, we drove around the neighborhood and I didn't kill it ONCE. ahhhhhh yes. It's just like riding a motorcycle. Almost. No, actually pretty much the same. I just need to learn how to downshift and go around corners because first gear is basically my only way out. And it's hard haha all I could think of when I was driving was how badly I wished Hannah was in the backseat telling me I have a "need for shhhpeed" rofl

An hour left in this class. I'll probs blog the rest of the time. I don't know why. I am in the typing mood and I haven't looked down at the keyboard seriously this whole time. I can't wait to get a lappytop. I'll probs buy yours, Davis. tststs if you changed your mind and you don't want to sell it, I'll be a very sad sad little girl.... I really hope my nana writes me out a "fat check" like she said she would. Because god dammit, I need it. And I hope my mom sends out my graduation invites FAST so I get ca$$$h mon3y.

So it's the last day of school. I'm looking at Chase (the kid with 2 belly buttons) and I'm going to miss his random outbursts of annoyingness. And I'm not going to see Ms Deshazo again. I'm going to miss this. Maybe not. Bleh...


So I have had a tumblr for a while. Becca took my phone and started following me. And then Angie did so now it's out there. So I'll post it on here.

http://xtabitharose.tumblr.com/

I deleted majority of my content after they started following me though. Just saying. Now I just wrote something on there for you assholes that are reading this. I'm sorry, I shouldn't call you assholes. Everyone that is awesome reads this. CEPT THE H8ERZ. TO THE H8ERZ: FUQ U. And I left you a little message on my tumbr, it's the last 2 words. AH HAHHHHHHHHH



That's me this morning. I look pretty edgy.
Ugh, it's been 21 mintues since I told you we had an hour left. Fuck.
I'm going to do twitter realted things.
Look at this:


tumblr: http://xtabitharose.tumblr.com/
twitter: @xtabitharose
blogger: tabbyrose.blogspot.com
formspring: xtabitharose
myspace: www.myspace.com/liposurefatblockaid2
playlist: http://www.playlist.com/xtabitharose
last.fm: http://www.last.fm/user/tabbykat29 (but I still don't know how the fuck to use last.fm so keep that in mind when visiting my blank ass site)
youtube: TabithaRoseMcC
God, I'm all over the interwebz