Had a long talk with Miss Berry today

and you know what, I'm going to be okay.

There was a reason in the first place why Taylor and I were going to break up and I can't forget about it. Maybe us breaking up this way is a good thing because it's a clean break. No talking to each other and being tempted.
And maybe Taylor being mad at me is good for him and is helping him get over me.
It's not fun for me knowing that my best friend and lover for almost two years loathes me, but everything happens for a reason and not talking to him whatsoever is going to help me get over this too.

I wish we could laugh at jokes still though.
And I wish that he wouldn't flirt with Ali in front of me.
Because that kills me.
I can handle everything else, but when I see them doing OUR fist bump and then she looks at me to see if I'm watching, that fucking kills me.
And Taylor knows me, he knows EVERYTHING about me and he knows it kills me.

I was scared this morning, honestly.
I was scared for myself.
There was a razor blade in my car and for a good 5 minutes, I thought about going outside to my car and sitting in my front seat listening to OUR old Iron & Wine song and just cutting. I have never cut. Nor do I understand it. But at that moment, I didn't care, I just REALLY wanted to go do it.
And that scared me.
It scared me that I wanted to do that to myself.

When I realized what the fuck I was thinking about, I started crying, ran to the bathroom and made myself throw up.

This was a fucking black, dark day for me.
Probably my darkest day.
I am NOT suicidal nor have I ever been and anyone who knows me knows how happy I am.
And that scared me that I felt like that.
It was only 6 hours ago that this happened and I think I'm going to be okay.

I don't want any of this.
I don't want therapy.
Maybe I need it?
No, I don't.
I have Miss Berry.
She lets me talk it all out and make myself realize what the fuck I'm doing.




God dammit, I really really really really really really really miss you, Hannah.